36
Abraham Lincoln Panim read the plaque over and over to make
sure he wasn’t seeing things. After a few minutes of doing this, he heard a
door open, and saw his mother come out of the room.
The nurse went over to her, as Mrs. Panim looked clearly
distressed, crying and shaking as the nurse led her to the couch to sit down.
“Can I get you something, m’am, maybe some water to calm
you down?” said the nurse to Mrs. Panim.
“No, no,” Mrs. Panim said through tears. “I will be OK.”
“I pretty much expected your reaction. Mr. Panim is pretty
sick, and he has been that way for awhile,” the nurse replied. “If you need
anything, let me know.”
Abraham Lincoln Panim rushed over to his mother, but the
nurse stood between him and his mother.
“It is your time to see your father. Are you ready to see
him now?” the nurse asked.
“Yes, yes,” Abraham Lincoln Panim said, as he put his hands
through his hair again.
“Do you have a mirror? I need to make sure—“
“This is not a beauty pageant,” the nurse replied. “Go in
like you are.”
Abraham Lincoln Panim followed the nurse to the door, and
as he did, he instinctively pushed up his scarf over his face, exactly as he
had worn it when he had a rat face.
The nurse opened the door, and Abraham Lincoln Panim
entered. He looked to the left, and his father was lying on what looked like a
large hospital bed, with tubes and nozzles coming out of seemingly every part
of his body.
With all the machinery covering his father, he could barely
see his father’s face, and barely could see his eyes.
“Abraham Lincoln Panim, please come closer to me so I can
see you,” his father said, and his son moved closer to him so he could see him
better.
“How are you doing dad?” Abraham Lincoln Panim asked.
“I can barely hear you,” Mr. Panim said in a very breathy
voice. “Why do you have that scarf over your face?”
“Well—“
“Please take it off. Your mother told me all about it, and
I know all about what you look like now.”
“Abraham Lincoln Panim almost ripped the scarf off his
face, and it dropped to floor, exposing his full face to his father to see.
“So dad, what do you think?”
“What do I think about what?”
“What do you think about how I look? Aren’t I—“
“That is not important now,” his father said, followed by
numerous coughs. Abraham Lincoln Panim was ready to go out to get the nurse,
but the coughing stopped.
“I’m doing as good as I possibly could be, with all of
these things coming out of me,” his father said. “Now tell me about you.”
“Dad, you still haven’t told me how I look.”
“Well, I will answer that when you tell me how I look.”
His father then started coughing again.
When the coughing stopped, Abraham Lincoln Panim asked his
father, “Why did you leave--”
“I was a coward,” his father said through more coughing. “I
saw you as me, going through a good part of your life with a rat face. I
remember what I went through … I just could not do it again.”
“So you just left us? I never knew you, but do you know
what you did to mom?”
“Yes, I do. I really do. And I was sorry, I told her so
today. You don’t know how many times I wanted to come back to the two of you,
but I just couldn’t. I was scared, I was a coward. I thought that the money I
sent each month made up for me not being there, but I was a fool. I missed out
on so much.”
“And we missed out, especially mom. Do you know we used to
walk in the park when I was a kid, and I always thought she was looking for you
when we were there. You said in your letter to us that you often saw us from
afar in the park. Why didn’t you ever come up to us, contact us … I mean, you
were so close.”
“Yet so far,” his father said, followed by more coughs. “In
my mind, I was thousands of miles away from you, even though there were times I
was just a few feet from the two of you. I am just so sorry for what I have
done to both of you.”
There was a pause in talking, and then Abraham Lincoln
Panim said, “Now dad, what do you think about me … your are ‘impressed,’ aren’t
you--?”
“Look, I know that you became a teacher. Mom says that you
are a good teacher. That is really what I am concerned about. You became a—“
Before his father could finish his sentence, he began to
cough uncontrollably, and the nurse came into the room, walking over to Abraham
Lincoln Panim.
“I am sorry, but his health is very bad,” she said in a
whisper. “I can only give you a few minutes with him. He is weak. I can’t give
you any more. Please say your goodbyes and meet your mother in the foyer.”
Abraham Lincoln watched the nurse go back out the door, and
when she left, he said to his father, “Dad, what did I become? Please let me
know, what did I become?”
The nurse peaked her head through the door. “Young man, you
have to leave now.”
“But dad did not finish what he was saying—what did I
become dad, what did I become?”
The nurse came over to Abraham Lincoln Panm, put her hand
firmly and forcefully on his shoulder, and tried to lead him out of the room.
He resisted.
“I just want to know what my father said I had become. That
is all I want to know.”
“Look, I am sorry, you must leave now,” the nurse said. Mrs.
Panim, much more composed than before, came into the room, and she had to lead
her son out.
As they left the room and the nurse closed the door, Mr.
Panim, still thinking his son was in the room, said in almost a whisper,
“A success.”
Mr. Panim coughed some more, and then closed his eyes.
Abraham Lincoln Panim and his mother never heard what Mr.
Panim said, as the door had closed behind them when he answered his son’s
question.
“What was I, what was I?” Abraham Lincoln Panim continued
to scream out as his mother put her hand on his shoulder.
“Keep that thought. Maybe the next time we visit, your
father will answer you,” she said to her son.
The nurse turned to them as she showed them out the door.
“If there is a next time,” she said, as Mrs. Panim and
Abraham Lincoln Panim walked out the door and walked home.
They didn’t say a word between them.
